It’s Girly to be Strong.

The Tae Kwon Do studio where my daughter takes classes is owned and operated by a woman. The majority of the Black Belts at that studio are women….. so are the majority of students.  I think the men that attend classes there are very smart indeed. They put women on their same level of strength, and I think that goes a long way in saying that they are comfortable with women in power. Women also teach the majority of the adult classes. With that being said, the atmosphere at the studio is one of family. Between form practice, discussions of family, business and weekend plans abound.

Muscle strength is sexy. Some men find it alluring thinking a woman could possibly kick their ass. But we don’t get buffed, toned and strong to impress you guys. We do it for ourselves. One, for our own protection, and two, for our self-confidence. We also like the way it makes us look naked. There are some men, rare, but there are some, that do not like muscles on a woman. They prefer their women soft, sweet and cuddly.  I like to “act” soft, sweet and cuddly, I don’t want a man looking at me and thinking I’d give a good bear hug. Eu. So I bought a Wii. I had resisted the whole gaming thing for years, although I did give my daughter a DS a couple of years ago. I just didn’t want the whole couch potato thing, and really, who needs the TV on any more than it already is in their house? My morning habit, since losing my regular job, has been to hop on the recumbent bike in front of the TODAY show and start my day off with the hottie Matt Lauer (intelligent, funny, world-traveler…. he’s got the sigh factor) and then start writing (read, sitting) for most of the rest of day.  It’s taken it’s toll on my thighs.  I thought about walking, biking, buying a treadmill, but 1) I live in Ohio; the unpredictable weather capital of the Midwest, I think, and 2) I just didn’t want ONE more thing in my house taking up a lot of space (I don’t care that I can shove it under the bed…. it’s THERE), plus,

I really just wanted something that I could mimic kicking and punching the crap out of.

Mama’s got a dark side.

Dark side, well, aside…. writing gets a little frustrating and it’s a rather solitary pursuit. Editors can frustrate the living hell out of you when they ask you to kill your darlings.

After one session with the Wii, I feel stronger already. I snowboarded my way to leaner abs last night. I played pool until my triceps hurt. And I kicked soccer balls until my hamstrings said ‘we’re done.’  I feel a little more body confident today as I sit writing and wearing (always) my high heels and skirt while I work. My muscles have a respectable ache. My posture is a little straighter. My legs feel longer and leaner. I know it’s not really possible that they are, but maybe I’ll walk a little different in my heels and skirt today. Maybe there’ll be a little more “swish” to my “switch.”

My cheerleader (daughter) this morning said she couldn’t wait to kick my ass again tonight in boxing.  A confident, girly young girl that knows her own strength.  Gotta love that.

What makes a man attractive?

Their eyes? Their butt? For me, it’s strong forearms. Those are some of the things we first notice. Those elements that draw us in close enough, we hope, to smell a good cologne. Mmmmm. Yep follow the visual with a whiff of what we want them to smell like in the morning.

That’s what gets our attention.

Sometimes.

That isn’t what keeps us attracted.

We like information. We like to share ideas. We want you to be the attractive, smart and funny guy that our girlfriends like and want to date. We need YOU to not want to date or sleep with them. Your looks are an accessory to us. It’s like the really great Fendi bag that goes with a lot of different outfits so we can’t bare to give it up even though it’s been “out” for two years. You can be the rough and rugged cowboy-boots-wearing cattle rancher, but when you open your mouth at a gallery show, you’d better have an intelligent thing to say. You need financial acumen, travel experience, political savvy and manners. Never order for us, but ask what we want from the bar and offer to get something for our friend. Never ask us (even later) to ‘settle up’ and never automatically assume you’ve paid for pillow shape. Always “underassume” and it will get you farther with us. When you flash that smile and engage our minds, we_are_riveted.  Seriously. Sex starts in the brain. FOR REAL. By the time our libido kicks in, we’ve analyzed and imagined a whole host of things we want to do with you and to you.

But here’s where it gets dicey.

You’ve engaged our minds and in them you’re spouting off stock tips…. shirtless…. and then …… you say something sexual. In public. To our friends. Dude, you’re about as attractive as our fathers at that moment. We’re already thinking about our comfy slippers,  checkin’ our email when we get home and stopping to pick up cat food on the way there. Damn, you were doing so well.

What makes a man attractive to a woman?

How about…..

No mention of sex until we bring it up.

No mention of sex with, or around, our friends or acquaintances.

No bathroom humor in public and used only sparingly in private.

No groping in front of our friends.

THE BOTTOM LINE:

Don’t be crass or sexual in public.

Ever.

Keep our minds engaged with a little verbal sparring… yes, we do like it when you disagree with us if you have a point you can back up with fact or research, or even a personal opinion IF it’s not rooted in 1970 mentality. We like double entrendres not vulgarity. We like an inadvertent inappropriate touch; not a full-boob grab. Subtlety works. Subtlety doesn’t threaten. Subtlety melts our hearts. We promise.

Editorial on Accomplishments post.

Lovely Readers,

As day draws to a close, I am doing the same with this rather tumultuous topic today.  We’ve had some good discussion and brought strong and tremendous points of view from bright successful women.  I am so proud of all of you.  And for those of you that did not post publicly, but offered your support to the site privately, you ROCK!

This guy today demonstrated what we all know in our relationships with men.  We deal with a lot of jackasses.  I for one can’t believe he had the unmitigated gall to come to a women’s forum and believe he was offering something insightful with the whole lingerie discussion.  Seriously? Does he think we don’t already own and wear that stuff?  Isn’t that, like Relationships & Dating 101?  I’m surprised he didn’t bring up toys.  Glass is amazing.  That’s ALL I’m sayin’.

But back to the other guys, the ones we like.  It isn’t that all men are asses. I don’t believe that for a minute.  The smart man knows that women are smarter (and I’m talking about the savvy businesswoman and modern mom) and freely admits this to her.  And guys even if you don’t believe it, admit it anyway.  She’ll beam, I tell ya, and cuddle up right next to you.  The smart woman also knows that she’s smarter and doesn’t need a man to survive, but it’s nice having him around. We don’t really like killing bugs or changing oil, but we’ll invest in bug spray and write checks to our mechanic until we find you!  The smart woman also doesn’t rub in the man’s face that she’s smarter. There’s no need to bust balls 24/7, only sometimes, as was the case today. Bustin’ was in order!

We’ve all met this guy’s type.  He’s the one you meet at a bar that says something inappropriate (usually referring to your lingerie, any body part-yours or his-, what he’d like to do…to you….with you…. or watch you do with another girl) before he even knows your last name. I used to think those/these guys were disgusting. Now it’s all I can do to hold back my laughter, and sometimes I just can’t anymore.  Guys still think this sleazy approach is okay with women and that women REALLY want to hear that kind of stuff because “it just puts it all out there”… cuz ya know “women are so sexually aggressive these days, they want to f*k like a man.  It’s all that stuff from Sex and The City.” Yeah, calm down John Boy, we’ll get there if it’s right.  And we don’t want to f*k like a man until we’re actually f*g. Women don’t like vulgarity before it’s invited. It’s rude and presumptive and shows men for the Neanderthals we’ve always assumed they were.  And never, ever, bring up fictional characters from TV, because we WILL roll our eyes and laugh AT you and then tell ALL our friends, and we won’t even wait to go to the restroom together to do it!  You deserve the humiliation at that point.

Guys, you’ve got to approach us with intelligence unless your ONLY goal is to get between our thighs or in our mouths. If that’s all you want, well plan on a lot of rejection before you find the woman willing to go there for the night.  I hope she’s not a stalker.  Hear me well when I say there’s NOTHING and I do mean NOTHING that turns us on more than a man who can have a great conversation about anything other than sex, a sports team or the music in the bar.  Quote us some facts  and for myself personally you’ve got my attention for a long while. Starting talking business or science to me, and it’ll be all I can do to keep myself from ravaging you on the spot. Bring up sociological data and studies with me?  It will suddenly be very hot in the room, and I’ll need a glass of water.  Just make certain you have your facts straight.  Don’t spew off any old thing. Remember, we travel in packs, and “someone” is going to know “something” about what you’re saying. Always be ready for a rebuttal.

If you’re a guy out there, stay tuned to this forum because really, you’ll learn a LOT about us.  Actual stuff you can use to… oh I don’t know…. MEET US…. HANG AROUND US…… KNOW WHAT TURNS US ON!  You don’t have to tell anyone where you got it. (wink)

I couldn’t have said it any better, Betty……

Are we too accomplished?

Women are fierce. We long ago left the comforts of home to play in the working world formerly dominated by men. We stand on the shoulders of trailblazing women in our fields and burn a few new trails of our own. We’re accomplished, successful, smart and savvy businesswomen.  And we are lonely.

Back in the day, men dazzled us with their knowledge of business, international affairs, financial gusto. When women joined them on those front lines, we found we could have everything that the men had, except maybe, a date.  Why is that?

I’ve tried a few of those dating websites. After I put in my background and take their personality tests, the huge dating pool that I was promised is about the size of a specimen cup. I’ve tried having a couple of conversations with some of the eligible men. Big mistake. I still get calls from someone who stated (rather proudly)  ”I’ve been on the XYZ dating site for 10 years.” You’ve GOT to be kidding me. I think after three years, the site should cut you off and place a red banner over your face stating “SERIAL DATER.”

My theory behind the small specimen is: I’m too damn accomplished. An ex-boyfriend called me “too smart for any one man” (that came at a moment when he was seeking (and using) my business advice, so it wasn’t hurled as an insult).  I speak or understand about a half dozen languages; am published in a couple different languages; have traveled all over the United States; lived among the Navajo; lived in Europe; studied about six different religions; produced fashion shows for charity; worked in radio and interviewed celebrities (not today’s tabloid heroes, mind you); was a paralegal and can write pleadings, city ordinances and resolutions and legal ads for rezoning; have edited everything from Supreme Court briefs to NYT bestsellers to the latest glamour book; know which herb can replace which medication; have a good knowledge of opera and classical music, but know art even better; can play the cello and violin; know a bit about wine, but more about how to grow the grapes that make a good wine; can grow vegetables and preserve them; cook gourmet dinners by instinct not a recipe; have friends all over the world; can be dropped in the middle of Chicago or New York and know where I am; can change a tire and the oil in my car, but don’t want to; know enough about plumbing to do minor repairs; am an RN….and do little writing on the side (wink).  The dating pool for me, yep, it’s small. And a lot of my female friends have the same problem. We’ve done so much, become so much that men are either too intimidated to ask us out, or attracted because of our accomplishments and want to ride our coattails, or (and this I find particularly annoying)….cannot fit into our world because they’re clueless yet that won’t stop them from trying and bugging the hell out of us and then label us a “bitch” if we refuse to give them a chance….. yeah, I LOVE that one.  Is it any wonder that many women date BOBs?

I’d rather sit at home, alone, watching god knows what on TV OR out with my daughter than to be out with the wrong man just for the company.  I may need a gay male friend again. …. used to have several of those (just thinking aloud here).

So what do you think? Have we accomplished so much that it’s hurt our chance at a lasting relationship?

Is it healthier to be married or single?

Past statistics have always shown that we are healthier if we are married.  I—’m not so sure that’s still true. I think people that feel an incredible sense of security in their marriage may be healthier. But I know plenty of married people that are physically ill, frought with worry, deal with an unstable partner, have trouble with in-laws and ex-wives/husbands and kids that are out of control! I look at those friends (or rather acquaintances now, as they’ve become too wrapped up in their world) and think “wow, I’m glad I’m happily single!

Your health, whether you’re married or single, is largely a part of your mental state and how in control of your life you feel. Genetic problems aside, the mind plays a big part in the overall health of our bodies. My life, for example, is fairly calm, and I’m in pretty good health apart from a few stiff muscles in the morning. I love my single life and only need to incorporate my daughter’s needs and schedule into my life. For an entrepreneur this can be ideal, because a small business never sleeps. The absolute FREEDOM I have in going where I want to go, when I want to go there and doing exactly as I please EVERY DAY, ALL DAY…. Oh my god is that alluring! I’m not bitching at someone to clean up (other than my child), to put that away, or why is this here, or who took the _____? In the past, when asked why I wasn’t in a relationship or why I didn’t want to get married again, I used to say “because I have enough laundry to do!” Now I don’t even have to say that anymore because my daughter does the laundry — all of it — as well as most of the cleaning.  I run the business (sometimes late into the evening)  and my kitchen is the DMZ.  I’m not worried about the ups and downs of someone else’s life, I’m gearing up for that with a tween.  I don’t know if I’m healthier as a single, but I sure feel happier.

My married friends, let’s see I think I only have a couple of those left. Everyone else is now single or dating. My married friends are older — not the 20-somethings that are just starting their lives together, full of hope and promise.  My married friends take more sick days for actually being sick — my single friends take sick days as part of a three-day get-away weekend or because Kohls is having a blowout sale. My married friends have to be careful about what they spend their money on, lest their partner protest (it’s not always this way, but compare it to singles who don’t have to have such discussions). Some of my married friends are financially stable. Some have picked up second jobs, and some have partners that just don’t want to work anymore. Most of my single friends are fairly well off financially or they are shifting investments around and finding ways they can cut costs that married friends can’t seem to do. Singles have choices that marrieds do not, and vice versa.

I think the real test of whether we are healthier as singles or marrieds has to do with the health of our relationships…. and that begins with the relationship we have with ourselves.

Should We Settle for Mr. Good Enough?

I’ve met a lot of great men in my life. Interesting men that are nice, caring, giving but not always my match. There was something they just didn’t have whether it was enough education, culture, “guy skills” (car maintenance, yard/garden maintenance, etc.), travel experience, conversation skills, world and current events knowledge or empathy. A man doesn’t have to have all of those things, but he needs to hit the mark on most of them.

I have tried to date outside of my social circle, and it never works. I have tried to lower my expectations in order to be able to say “I’m in a relationship.”  It never works. (It’s worth saying twice.) My friends are smart. Really smart. They have all the above qualities and beyond, and I’m right there with them. It’s difficult to explain to someone the drive and discipline necessary to run your own business; the cultural sensitivity one must have when visiting another country or tribe where they don’t do things the ‘right’ way, like America, of course, does.’ I can’t explain to someone the sacrifices you make as a parent, let alone a single parent, when you must put your own needs and desires aside, a lot.

I have tried to stick my experiences and knowledge in a closet and concentrate on the caring and giving man who perhaps isn’t as accomplished as me. ‘The way they treat you is the thing,’ I’ve told myself.  I see some of my friends (not many, mind you) that are able to do this. I often hear ‘he’s a good father.’  Sigh.  As I sit there nodding my head, my eyes glazing over, I wonder if there isn’t something missing. I’m not convinced these women didn’t settle for what was convenient. Sometimes the choices you make are a means to an end.

Cynical? Me? Perish the thought. I’m the consummate “hopeful” romantic.

I begin relationships with all the hope that a guy can look past my accomplishments and just see me. Yes, I done a lot of “stuff,” but if you look closely at my life now, it’s pretty laid back and simple. I haunt bookstores and coffee houses instead of clubs, I cook a lot, sew, raise my daughter and run a business. On occasion I patronize the performing arts, and indulge in domestic travel. My partner doesn’t need to do all these things with me, but he can’t begrudge my going with friends, male or female, if he has no interest in going. What starts out as a man who stated he was not the jealous type can quickly become a man of resentment.

If we date a person who doesn’t match us quite as well as we would like, are we setting ourselves up for disappointment? Can we look past the missing holes and fill them in with what we get by just having a relationship? Companionship. Love. Someone to snuggle up to. Or by settling are we cheating ourselves out of a possibly more fulfilling relationship with someone that we could reach greater heights with and possibly accomplish more goals? I guess what I’m asking is are we taking the easy way out and maybe not challenging ourselves to look further if we settle for Mr. Good Enough? And are we going as great a disservice to them as we are to ourselves if we put our needs, desires and goals aside simply to be one-half of a couple? Or is it possible that we can work this out and Mr. Good Enough can turn into Mr. Just Right All Along?

Anything’s possible.

Drama Kings.

I left drama behind in my 20s.  I figured that it wasn’t really serving me, although it certainly made my life appear exciting at times. Drama became this exhausting road trip I had to take everyday with my friends, my family, my coworkers. When I began longing for the comforts of my couch on weekends as opposed to a leopard print seat at the latest and newest club surrounded by glittarati and free-flowing champagne…. I knew I was getting sick of it all.  The gossip. The drama. The “oh that’s not a good look for her,” and “I can’t believe those two are dating.” I lived a reality show worthy of the Kardasians. But a barstool is a barstool; I don’t care what it looks like.  I left that life behind because it was time.  I shunned the drama of makeup and breakups, career ups and downs and gossip in all areas. I took a self-imposed hiatus from dating seriously and worked on me.  Then I met my husband (who would later pass away). This man made my old drama look like The Cleavers.  After he passed, I thought perhaps that he was an exception.  I’d never met a man whose life was stranger and more melodramatic than mine. Surely this was an anomaly.  Uh huh.

I’ve dated three men since then, each of whom decided that drama was still a good idea in your 40s. These three men choose to live in misery because they don’t or won’t control their world. I find a good place to stop the drama is at the doorstep. The only person in my house that is permitted to cause drama is me. And when mama ain’t happy, nobody’s happy. Fortunately, very little upsets me. I don’t have time and energy to be upset.  I’d rather work and make money and be able to take days off when I want.  Even my tween knows better than to bring drama in the door.  I’ll listen to her problems, offer advice if she wants it, but if she’s going to complain about someone else’s behavior towards her and then refuse to do anything to try to modify or call attention to it, well then, the subject is closed. Real problems are addressed. Gossip is ignored.  But back to the men.  I will listen to problems. I will support, lend a sympathetic ear, offer advice, if it’s solicited (otherwise it’s just ego).  I will not, however, listen to problems with chapters –day after day–week after week–three and four times a day. The reason I’m so successful, is because I work when it’s time to work.  I take ONE HOUR per day, as is a normal business practice, to deal with lunch and problems or issues that need addressing. One hour, just like any person working a 9-5 job, to deal with personal stuff.  The rest of the time is spent working.  I don’t take personal calls unless I take the minutes off my lunch break.  I don’t read and respond to personal emails. If the wolf is at your door, work harder. If your ex-wife is being a bitch, deal with her through her lawyer only. If you’re kids are out of control, act like a damn parent and bring the hammer down. I shouldn’t need to tell you this shit. I’m not your damn wife or mother!

And then there’s the drama they bring to the relationship. The last guy I dated was so focused on ‘where this is going?’ that it started to make me ill. I didn’t need or want it to go any further than dating and sex. That was enough for me. Take me out for dinner, or I’ll cook, maybe we can take in a cheap movie, and then let me show you the real benefits of yoga! That’s what I wanted, but every few months he’d go around and around in his head about where our relationship was going. He couldn’t get past the fact that he’d actually met a woman that didn’t want marriage; that didn’t need his money and that didn’t need rescuing. His only complaint about me, and I kid you not about this: “your life is more calm than mine.”  What exactly am I supposed to do with that?

When we first started dating, he complained that too many women had too many problems and were damn drama queens; there was always something for him to fix.  He stated that he just wanted an equal; a partner that didn’t necessarily want marriage and wasn’t dating him for his money. Guess it’s true that you must be careful what you wish for.

Do We Still Need Relationships?

Before everyone gets their panties (God I hate that word) in a bunch, let me state for the record that: I love men. I have two close friends, and one of whom is a man. I wonder, though, if relationships aren’t becoming obsolete as far as their role in our lives? Women and men both work, have retirement accounts, go on vacations with friends (or alone), they own homes, have mechanics and repairmen and become single parents by choice (sometimes by default). So, other than a roll in the hay, what do we need a partner for…. exactly?

Most women get their emotional support from their girlfriends. I don’t care what you say about your partner being your best friend, there’s no way a man understands all the stuff that goes into being female; the same way we can’t understand how that silly testosterone hormone makes them think about sex so often (it’s a chemical reaction and I’m not lying). So is it comfort? It can’t be security any more…. not these days. Is it sex-without-a-condom? Or is it the fact that if we have a relationship, we think we’re never going to be alone again? If that’s the case, are you familiar with the word, delusional?

We are one of the very few species that practices monogamy. Most others have a ‘love ‘em and leave ‘em’ attitude when it comes to sex. The females raise the children, teach them how to survive and then turn them loose (unless they’re a pack of wolves or something). I have girlfriends, who after too many failed relationships, or marriages (and who have children) that have decided not to have relationships any more. They’ve adopted a bit of the cougar mentality I think. I have one friend in particular that is so smart, classy and well-traveled that she won’t even date! She laments it’s too difficult with too many expectations, and men view her as this successful wild creature that they must tame.  ”Please,” she states, “I just want to take off my heels and makeup and plop down on the couch and watch Dirty Jobs. They always feel the need to take me out for some damn ‘fabulous’ dinner. Then I have to spend four ‘fabulous’ hours in the gym working that shit off! No thanks.” I’ll mention that my friend travels for business throughout the week and eats away from home all the time. So what about intimacy and even just the physical touch of a guy? “I get massages and have a vibrator.” And the warmth and cuddling? “I have a cat. He travels with me. There’s never a guarantee that the man wants to cuddle or listen to your workday woes. I have girlfriends for that. And if I start to get lonely, I call my kids at college.”

In the past year, I have seen more relationships end than I’ve seen in the past 10 years. I don’t think it’s an economic issue any more or the fact that people have found better partners. Yes, the majority of relationships end due to an affair, but not all of the ones I have seen end recently have anything to do with cheating. Some of them have ended because people didn’t want to be in a relationship any more. It took too much time; too much effort. Strangely enough, these people look happier now… and they weren’t in miserable relationships. One friend shrugged and said “the relationship had run its course.”  It seems cold and callous, but frighteningly, it rings true. I now have more single friends without steady relationships than married friends, and the single friends seem happier and less harried and less stressed than the marrieds. And the singles are getting more action between the sheets. So if we can provide for ourselves and our emotional needs are met, what can a relationship provide that we don’t already have? More research is needed.

What Do You Mean There’s No Spark?

Men and women make each other crazy. It’s a wonder we’re not all homosexuals. In my past relationships I used to worry about my partner cheating on me. I simply hoped that if he thought, fantasized or dreamed about it, that he would simply make a clean break with me and then get on down the road.  My last boyfriend, however, brought a new concern to the table that, honestly, I still don’t know how to handle. And given an email I received last night from my girlfriend, this little “hiccup” is a theme that I’m certain many women have heard:

“I just don’t feel a spark.”

Usually this is uttered by the man, during a post-coital moment. If he’s particularly stupid and callous, you’re not even dressed yet.  ”I don’t feel a spark?” You’ve got to be flippin’ kidding me. What kind of insouciant remark is that? Sigh AND GRRRRR. I blame reality television and celebrities who treat marriage like it’s a prize in the Cracker Jack box. Yes, you’ve just won something fun, but that doesn’t stop you from reaching into a new box (despite the fact that you’re still eating from the original) and looking for the next prize.  It’s why picture-in-picture was developed; why we want multiple apps open at the same time on our phones. We want everything and we want it all at once. But we want separate the play dates for it all. But back to the no spark thing. Men have always been attracted to new shiny things. And men want to know that women want them. Take the most unattractive man and put celebrityfemaleofchoice in front of him and his current love holding the keys to fantasycarofchoice and season tickets for life to fantasysportsteamofchoice, and tell him he can only have one. I contend that 9 out of 10 men would still go for the celebrity, bang her and come crawling back to his current flame begging for forgiveness just to have the car and tickets!

What men (and some women) are really missing here is the opportunity to grow a relationship into something that becomes undefinable — a rock solid foundation that you know you can stand on, lean on, and even hide under when the world becomes a little too much. It’s walking through the door of your home, and the rest of the world melting. It’s seeing that person across a room, and you can’t get to them fast enough because there’s just something I have to tell you! It’s the friendship you have that you don’t have with any one else. They aren’t just your rock; they’re your home.  But shiny and sparkly? That wears off. I love putting brass ornaments in my garden too, but I love them more when they turn to that green patina. Some people miss out on the richness of change that marks time. I feel sorry for them.

I count myself lucky when I find out that a guy prefers shiny and sparkly. God, it’s so much work keeping that up! And it’s funny, but I always find myself doing all the polishing. Gotta have new looks, new shoes, new ways to arouse him… I don’t have the time to be shopping or studying up on all that stuff all the time – I gotta a kid. And it’s one of those female kind of kids in middle school. I’m just trying to stay ahead of her developing an interest in the pole and keeping as much fabric as possible on her body. Oh, and I’m also a businesswoman, so I got run that too, in addition to the household.

My attitude post-last-boyfriend has changed a bit. I’m no longer going to worry about being the shiny sparkly thing. If I get dressed up and go out, it’s less about attracting a man than it is getting some wear out of the clothes in my closet before I’m sitting in a wheelchair in my nightgown all day with dried pureed peas staining the front of it. If I putter around in my garden and take off my t-shirt and just wear my tank top, it’s less about showing off for the neighborhood single dads and more about I just put that t-shirt on this morning and I’m going to the drugstore later and don’t want to have to traipse upstairs to put on a clean one! In simpler terms: I only need to be shiny and sparkly for me. Now if one of those single dads wants to come over and help me in the garden, be my guest. But when his attention turns away from the dirt and back to me…. well that t-shirt will be back on my body. He, at least, needs to buy me dinner.

The Art of Moxie

Barbara Walters’s got it.  Maria Shriver, possibly. Oprah, of course.  Susan Sarandon bathes in it.  Dames Judy Dench and Maggie Smith, you know have it.  Sophia Loren’s curves are made with it, I think. I’m talking about Moxie. The art of courage through adversity, but most commonly used in reference to strong independent women who are a little scary. Think of  silverscreen stars, Bette Davis, Marlene Dietrick, Katherine Hepburn, Joan Crawford, Jane Russell, Mae West, Carole Lombard and Lauren Bacall. Moxie is grit. It’s the part of a woman that makes you think twice about crossing her. It might be a part that she hides until you do cross her. She can wear it underneath her clothes or as a badge of honor on her arm. A woman with Moxie in her arsenal harbors a source of such inner strength and determination that can’t is not part of her vocabulary. Moxie gets results. Moxie pushes through barriers. Moxie can be a bitch. And Moxie can also be sweet. Tender, even.

Moxie is intelligent.

Moxie is Sexy.

I haven’t met too many women in recent years with a lot of Moxie. A couple of nurses I know have it. Quite a number of Italian women I know have it. Moxie causes you to dig in and stand up for what you believe in. Moxie helps you reach goals that sound ridiculous to everyone else. Moxie got me to Europe. Moxie got me through nursing school. And now Moxie lets me sit in my pajamas and write from the comforts of my home….. something I’ve wanted to do for more than 15 years. Moxie keeps the wolf away from the door, and people off my back. They have simply learned not to climb on it in the first place. Moxie sometimes calls for me to leave friends behind too. I don’t always like that part of Moxie, but I’ve learned to live with it.  When nostaglia threatens to wrench wistful sighs from my lungs, I remember this incredible quote from Edna Ferber….

“Living the past is a dull and lonely business; looking back strains the neck muscles, causing you to bump into people not going your way.”

Good old-fashioned Moxie sees me through those times and helps me focus on what’s next.  Could be Paris; could be Spain. It’ll probably depend on my mood when I get up–that’s a Moxie attitude.

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Know someone with Moxie?

Tell us about them.